originally posted the day I got my layoff notice at my previous job
What an awesome four years I had at my job. And I do not use the word awesome lightly. But God has decided that He and I are about to write a new chapter in my book.
I wanted to put this down so that I can “share” and so that I can clarify my awareness of what I’m feeling. That’s too touchy-feely for me on a normal day, but emotions can have a paralyzing effect on us, even when everything is “okay.” Right now I feel kind of like I’ve just had this incredible adventure, maybe Indiana Jones-style in a cave or jungle, and suddenly I’m standing at the edge of the jungle or the mouth of the cave, and I’m okay, everything is intact and I’m safe and healthy and we’re all here and accounted for, but the looming question is “Now what do I do?”
After four years of the frenetic pace of getting up at 4:15 every morning to fight a losing battle with getting to work by 8 (Thanks to University of South Alabama and its immensely popular football program and the increased enrollment it garnered, glad it’s a success but …); dealing with the illnesses and injuries that go with raising active kids, and working such a distance from where they spend their days; wanting to fulfill my duties to God; wanting to keep the boys active and on schedule to activities that matter to them and to us; the neverending burning desire to learn something new, to ALWAYS be learning something new; trying desperately and unsuccessfully to keep my house in a state where I could invite a visitor in; I now find myself with all day on my hands for the time being.
The danger here is that I find myself with all day on my hands. Yes, I have a long list of things I want to accomplish. But if I don’t hold myself accountable to someone it will be easy to allow one simple task to fill the whole day. It can also be very easy to slip into depression, not because I feel so bad to not be working, but because there isn’t a compelling drive to get a particular task done. This is an insight into who I am, if you never knew that about me before. I know that I will have plenty of time in the morning to get the school clothes ready. But if I let that take hold of me, the laundry won’t get done and it will sit in baskets in my bedroom forever.
I also have to take care that I don’t let my long list of things I want to accomplish keep me from looking for the next employment opportunity, if that’s where I’m being led. I need to do all I can do, and let Heavenly Father show me, if not THE path, then at least what I need to know about each available path, so that I can make the best choice for my family.
I’m a doer. It’s who I am. I have to have something productive to engage me, otherwise I will sit all day and watch movies. It’s part of the duality of ADD and OCD fighting it out in the same body and psyche. There’s some purpose in it, even if that purpose is to train me to deal with it. I haven’t done so well so far.
So I’m turning the page, and picking up the pen. And thanks to so many wonderful contributors to the chapter I just finished. You know who you are.